My Most Uttered Words In Normal Conversation(For Realz)
1) Groovy
2) Fuck
3) Seriously?
4) Really?
5) Your WHAT hurts?
6) Please Kill Me
7) Go Die In a Fire
8) Retard
9) Cockbag
10) Cunt
Tracks
The Magic Walkman: Depression Survey
DEPRESSION SURVEY:
When was the last time you shaved?
2 hours ago
3-7 years ago
I can’t afford razors.
When you see the words “1000 puppies” do you think:
Awwww I wanna put them all over my face and roll around on the grass!!!!!!
OH MY GOD 1000 PUPPIES KILLED MY…
Texts From An Ex: Ep. 1
Context: We had a sexually adventurous but adversarial relationship. He is in law enforcement; I’m in law circumventment(?) These are our conversations. They are verbatim, from my phone…
I told him that I had been sick prior to this convo:
Him: Better?
Me: Meh…sinus infection…whats up w/ u?
Him: Back home. Back to the grind. All is well
Me: Good :)
Him: Miss u…miss your body…miss how you masturbate…miss your eyes…miss those lips(on your face)
Me: lol…sure ya do
Him: I do. Why so negative
Me: I believe ya! Kidding…not negative. I miss u too sometimes
Him: If you came here to visit your Ma, would you see me. Would we have good sex?
Me: I’d hang out or go to lunch, sure. No sex if you still have a GF though
Him: U miss the sex?
Me: Some of it
Him: Such as…?
Me: When it didn’t involve other people
Him: Even N? You seemed to enjoy her pussy licking/fingering alot
Me: Eh…pussy is pussy…lol
Him: So you had more…
Me: NO!…I’m kidding, jeez…pulling up to courthouse…text in a bit
Me: Woohoo…no orange jumpsuit for this bitch! lol
Him: Cool
Me: Just my monthly appt. for child support…had to file a motion to amend amounts
Me: Any progress on the classic car rebuild?
Him: Yup
Me: Care to elaborate?
Him: lol…brakes and body being done as we speak
Me: Wow, nice! I want pics when she’s done! (the car, not your GF ;)
Him: Got it…lol
Him: Any new sex stories?
Me: Nope
Him: Are you ever gonna rub one out on the phone with me again?
Me: Not sure…hows the GF feel about it?
Him: Doesn’t mind. She has her fun.
Me: Lovely. I’m not cool with it unless you’re single, sorry :(
Him: What if I break up with her before we start and make up when we are done?
Me: That is just fucked up, V
Him: lol…you want to laugh
Me: I’d beat your ass if I were her
Mitch Hedberg was a genius. Fucking love this guy. Died way to early.
the darker side of @drunkbastard: The Hangover Scale
One Star Hangover (*):
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well; however, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**):
No pain, but something is definitely…
the darker side of @drunkbastard: Barometers
The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen:
“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”
One student replied:
“You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the…
the darker side of @drunkbastard: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was an historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: (1) So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such…
Tough tipping decisions…
Soooo…yeah
I finally got bored enough to make a Tumblr. Well, actually, I had one before, but I pretty much just let if slowly fade into the dark recesses of the Interwebs. I don’t have the faintest idea as to what I’ll post here, but it will likely be a longer, more grammatically painful version of my Twitter account. Enjoy!